Usually when someone gets in trouble and the defense conjures up images of the defendant’s father, the father’s usually a derelict, drunk, or some other deadlier definition of “deadbeat.”

But playing the “dead” dad card in the case of Tiger Woods – Male Whore? Wow. Ballsy, Nike. Motherf*ckin’ ballsy.

C-HO: Corporate Mesothelioma Rating: 4 out of 10 – for playing the “dead dad” card

I’ve seen this movie before. If you play the “dead dad,” Obi-Wan Kenobi-advice-from-the-grave move, you better be able to control the story. Down to the ticket sales, the smell of the popcorn, and the credits at the end.

This is why the strategy is seldom, if ever, attempted in the court of public opinion.

If his mother worked two jobs and raised him on his own, then there’d be a story to use. If his loving country grandmother who helped shaped him in his country youth would have recently passed, then you could put him on a country road at sundown, leaning on a wooden fence and staring out into the fields where he grew into a man as he painstakingly learned to till the land by hand.

But the memory of a stern, disciplining, military father from his two-parent home who helped provide him with a Stanford education…

What Twitter-happy intern thought this angle would work? Social media only passes around so much sh*t, and that usually has to come from Chris Brogan or Seth Godin. Nike should gave them a call.

In an age of whodunnit, skeptical, people-are-evil television shows dominated by CSI, NCIS, and Law & (lack of) Order – with other shows like Burn Notice, Castle and the like filling in the house – conjuring the spirit of Tiger Woods’ dad is only gonna make people who give a sh*t question the character of Earl Woods.

If there isn’t already a conspiracy theory…

How long do you think it’ll be before we start hearing stories of Earl Woods, playboy?

Hopefully, Earl’s playing a friendly game of poker with James Jordan and can’t see this. If he does, Nike better start expecting some Jacob Marley, middle-of-the-night visits from big Earl.

(photo credit: capt madd matt via Flickr)

What the f*ck are they talking about?

(Shakespeare? No. But even Bill could have told you their value)

This isn’t the case where people think a guitar is “flat” when it’s actually sharp (strings tighten from lack of play before they stretch, making the notes come out sharp). Y’all are professionals. You’re supposed to mean what you say.

Now, granted, Normam Reedus and Sean Patrick Flannery aren’t going to use these movies as references to get them into a Shakespearean Company, but I have to ask the critics:

“Who the Hell did you think Connor and Murphy MacMannus were?”

I’ll admit that in both movies, Duffy flashed brilliance in characters that were never fully developed. I wish the Saints’ ability to speak many languages would have been utilized more. Having the brothers speak in different languages around Rocco when they knew Rocco wanted to hear them would have been a great running gag. Or when they were tied up by Yakavetta’s crew, that would have been a great curve ball to throw their captors.

Also, in the second movie, they first saw Romeo as he was fighting a big guy while having both hands tied behind his back; then he never fought anyone the rest of the movie. The scene helped juxtapose his soft side more, but sh*t, not everyone has to be shot first. Kick their asses.

But I can’t blame the actors for it. It’s not like Reedus was going to break into Italian in the middle of the scene – unless he knew Italian that well.

Critiques aside, Reedus, Flannery, Connelly and company nailed what was important – their sense of honor and Fraternity. You wanted to hang out with these guys. You wanted to drink with them. They were one of the guys.

And that’s how you get a cult following of millions of fans.

Are you taking notes, Movie Critics?

C-Ho Corporate Mesothelioma Rating:  4 out of 10.

I’m sorry, but like the Eunice Bloom critique, if you critical critics can’t figure out why millions of fans loved these characters, you deserve your fate as movie critics and not script writers.

“Stiff” and “over” acting. I think some y’all were watching porn when you should have been paying closer attention to this classic.

(Photo Credit: 1 – Boondocksaintsii via Flickr 2 – A…P via Flickr)

PS – I do have to give critics some credit. Those of you who got over the fact that Billy Connelly was a comedian did give him his due props for his performance – and his hair.

First, it’s important for me to make it clear that I don’t care whether players were using steroids, HGH, amphetamines or anything else that might help them stay just a little stronger, a little faster or a little sharper.  Until a couple years ago, baseball had no drug policy.  I don’t have a problem with guys who are doing everything they can, within the rules, to excel in their sport.

However, I do have a problem with whiny douche-bags who lie about it and claim to be pure and innocent.  I don’t need every guy who’s ever tried any kind of performance enhancing drug to come out and tell everyone with a weepy, embarrassed public apology.  In fact, I don’t want to hear an apology at all.  I’d prefer to hear a little honesty when guys are directly asked about it.

For example:
Reporter:  Did you take steroids?
Player:  Yeah, I did.  At the time, there were no rules against it.  There were a lot of guys benefiting from them, and I decided to take them to try and get just a little bit better.  I’ve pretty much done nothing but play baseball since I was 15.  I’m really not qualified to do anything else.  I’m going to do anything I can to make sure my body is performing at its peak so that I can be as good as I can and make as much money as possible during my playing career.  There are some serious health risks, and I’d certainly advise kids against using drugs, but it was a good business decision for me at the time and a risk I was willing to take.

Now, what’s wrong with that?  Why can’t fans be treated like intelligent people who are capable of understanding an honest answer?  Because there’s less money in it, that’s why.  It’s better for us to watch in awe as these athletic Gods live out our childhood fantasies, than to think that these are just a bunch of guys who worked harder than we were willing to consider, and sometimes needed a little help to get to the top of their game.

I don’t need some asshole apologizing to me for taking something that might make him better at his job.  If there was a drug that I could take that would make me slightly better at my job and get me a significantly higher salary, I’d probably take it, too.  And I sure as hell wouldn’t apologize for it later just to appease a bunch of ignorant jerk-offs who want to believe the business is “pure” and “untainted.”  Grow up, you whiny, pathetic little bitches.

C-HO Mesothelioma Rating – 4 – Not for A-Rod taking steroids, but for A-Rod being a douche bag about it and for the national sports media reacting like a bunch frightened little girls who just realized the Tooth Fairy is really their mom.