I present to you the shopping whores at Walmart of Long Island, NY during the start Black Friday 2008.

The most desperate bargain whores lined up at the doors at 9pm Thanksgiving night. The temperature stayed a balmy 40 degrees throughout the evening. That’s the closest I get to understanding the actions of people who want to stand all night, scatching at the doors of a f#cking Walmart, praying to procure their precious bargains.

“My Precious / My Precious!!!” said Gollum (abowlofstupid.com photo)

Here’s the first of my hints: If a flat panel TV costs only $400, there’s probably a reason. Ever heard of a good Emerson flat panel TV? NO! Because it doesn’t exist. I can’t wait for y’all to figure that one out while y’all are figuring out the hard way that your precious knockoff tv won’t make your DVDs show up in HD.

Walmart’s temp employees struggled to open the door that morning due to the incredible stress exerted on the doors by the desperate bargain hunters. Once the locks finally released, the poor employees couldn’t get out of the way before they were bumrushed by the 2,000 bargain whores who ripped the doors off the hinges and fled into the building like rats off a sinking ship, clawing and scratching their ways to the deals they sacrified a night of sleep and a holiday evening with loved ones track down.

One poor 34-year-old temporary employee of Walmart was trampled on by a couple hundred of the bargain whores. Cops were tossed around like the said sinking ship amidst that perfect storm and were unable to get to the poor employee before he died from the injuries inflicted by the bargain whores.

2,000 bargain whores killed a temporary retail employee to get bargain basement discounts on what they’ll later find out to be bargain basement products. Unf#ckingbelievable. Classless and embarrasing. Corporate Whoredom gives this a Mesothelioma Rating of 10, the strongest possible rating because humanity seldom gets worse than this.

Corporate Whoredom can’t even all the blame on Walmart. Reports were starting to come out that Walmart employees have been getting trampled on Black Fridays for years, so Corporate Whoredom will express rage at Walmart for not putting any respectable controls onto the uncontrolable epidemic of Black Friday. But, a group of early morning shoppers having such a disregard for human life? Our civilization used to be beyond this.

All parts to the story can and will be blamed. Walmart will have to start handing out random placeholding wristbands like ticket stores have to do for people lining up for concert tickets, then cap their stores with a maximum capacity and implement a “one out, one in” policy for crowd control. Not only that, but local law enforcement will have to be on overtime to account for the meley. And maybe, just maybe, the National Guard will have to be running patrols on Black Friday.

I truly hope the Nassau County Police force take all the security tapes, arrest everyone they find on the tape, cross-check them with everyone who made a debit or credit purchase at the store that morning, round up all the suspects like the sheep they are and arrest them. I hope the judge gives them all a couple thousand hours of community service, each. And like computer hackers who are banished from using computers for a decade or so as part of their sentences, the bargain whores should be banished from any item that was on sale and promoted for the Black Friday sale. No TV, no ipod, no computer, no new clothes and nobody is alloted discretionary income until every injured Walmart employees’ family has been taken care of, has had their debts paid, has had any extra education paid off, and has had their offsprings’ and stepchildren’s futures secured.

And for the ones whose bootheels landed lethal blows: you’re digging the poor employee’s grave, you’re paying for the lavish ceremony, you’re doing PR and public speaking in his name as part of a “Retail Saniity Awareness” program while wearing your orange jumpsuits and shackels, then you’re forced to watch the security tapes of that morning twice a day every day of your life sentence (unless NY has the dealth penalty).

Those who actually tried to help the souls, they should grant you mercy. The punishment isn’t because of the prioritization of commerce; it’s because of the disregard for human life.

It’s the kind of embarrassment that makes me wish we stilled used the stocks and pillories for punishment. Disgusting. And, even though the left coast had three hours to learn from the lesson, apparently that was simply not enough time:

And the madness continues…

C-HO Mesothelioma Rating: 10 out of 10