30 seconds ago I saw a preview for The Vampire Diaries.  Based solely on the preview, and with absolutely no desire to watch the show, I will now sum up the meeting that took place and led to this show being created:

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Random CW executive:  My 13 year old daughter really seems to like these books about vampires.

Other CW executive: Like Dracula and shit?  That’s kind of morbid and fucked up.

1st excutive: No, not like Dracula. More like Anne Rice’s version of vampires. She just can’t get enough of these things.

2nd executive: Hmmm…Anne Rice’s vampires were pretty effeminate and liked to dress like the people in Amadeus, but they also explored issues of religion and humanity, and occasionally they would rip people’s throats out and do horribly obscene shit to them.  Your daughter may need to see a therapist.

1st executive: Well, not exactly like the Anne Rice vampires, just the effeminate, dull parts.  And without any of the interesting or violent parts.  Mostly the books are about a sad, lonely mormon girl who creates stories about how super-awesome it would be if anyone liked her.

2nd executive: that sounds pretty dull.

1st executive: Yeah, that’s what I thought, too.  But then I was watching HBO the other night and I saw this show True Blood, and I thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be awesome if we had a show like True Blood, but without any of that horrific violence or gratuitous nudity?  Or any interesting characters or storylines?  Instead, we’ll just use a whole bunch of attractive 20 years old’s who can’t act and a couple horrible writers who will work for $6 a day and might or might not have seen an old episode of Buffy once.

2nd executive:  So, pretty much exactly like every single show on our network…but the obnoxious, effeminate, borderline-retarded characters are vampires?

1st executive: Exactly!

2nd executive: I LOVE IT!  Now let’s go roll around in the big pile of money we’ve made by exploiting insecure and/or retarded teenage girls!

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CW Network, you suck huge amounts of ass.

C-HO Mesothelioma Rating – 6.0 – making shittier and shittier versions of shitty products is an important step along the way to Idiocratic Rule

Do you want to know what I want from the First Lady?  Not a god damn thing.  If possible, I’d prefer that she’s not a babbling asshole who devises retarded plans for fighting the “War on Drugs” (fuck you, Nancy Reagan, you worthless bitch), but ultimately she has no authority or responsibilities in our government, so I don’t care.
If Mrs. Obama wants to give a speech about race relations or concepts of beauty in America, I’ll watch.  If she has something relevant to say about any issue affecting my life of the life of anyone else I know, I’ll listen.  But if a bunch of assholes want to ignore those things and instead whine about the social implications of her hairstyle, I want to set their damn heads on fire.
Yahoo! obviously isn’t the only outlet for these idiotic discussions, but Yahoo! is the one the pisses me off today, so screw ‘em.

Yahoo!, you’ve reminded me again how much you suck.

C-HO Mesothelioma Rating – 8.5 – Yahoo! is still a portal for millions of internet users, many of whom are stupid and easily influenced. Constantly showering them with idiocy and glossing over anything important is a key factor in leading us toward the entirely plausible future depicted in the movie Idiocracy

*Billy Madison has been on cable a lot lately. Next week I’ll probably have Teen Wolf references.

What has precipitated this return?
He’s been inspired to serve as a narrator for Yahoo!‘s final descent into uselessness.  The former internet giant is quickly dying, and Max Power will be tossing stones and mocking the death spasms.

I (you can refer to yourself in the third person* only so many times before you start to feel like a huge prick) will be making this a regular topic, focusing on many different aspects of Y!’s suckishness, including their completely useless search marketing platform (that’s being turned over to microsoft), the ridiculously retarded “Top Stories” on their homepage, and their general incompetence regarding every aspect of their business.  Except Free Fantasy Sports.  That’s really the only thing Yahoo!’s got going for them at this point.

I’ll be back with more later.

*since I’m referring to myself by an alias, would that make it the 4th person? Max Power is confused, needs gin.