Usually when someone gets in trouble and the defense conjures up images of the defendant’s father, the father’s usually a derelict, drunk, or some other deadlier definition of “deadbeat.”

But playing the “dead” dad card in the case of Tiger Woods – Male Whore? Wow. Ballsy, Nike. Motherf*ckin’ ballsy.

C-HO: Corporate Mesothelioma Rating: 4 out of 10 – for playing the “dead dad” card

I’ve seen this movie before. If you play the “dead dad,” Obi-Wan Kenobi-advice-from-the-grave move, you better be able to control the story. Down to the ticket sales, the smell of the popcorn, and the credits at the end.

This is why the strategy is seldom, if ever, attempted in the court of public opinion.

If his mother worked two jobs and raised him on his own, then there’d be a story to use. If his loving country grandmother who helped shaped him in his country youth would have recently passed, then you could put him on a country road at sundown, leaning on a wooden fence and staring out into the fields where he grew into a man as he painstakingly learned to till the land by hand.

But the memory of a stern, disciplining, military father from his two-parent home who helped provide him with a Stanford education…

What Twitter-happy intern thought this angle would work? Social media only passes around so much sh*t, and that usually has to come from Chris Brogan or Seth Godin. Nike should gave them a call.

In an age of whodunnit, skeptical, people-are-evil television shows dominated by CSI, NCIS, and Law & (lack of) Order – with other shows like Burn Notice, Castle and the like filling in the house – conjuring the spirit of Tiger Woods’ dad is only gonna make people who give a sh*t question the character of Earl Woods.

If there isn’t already a conspiracy theory…

How long do you think it’ll be before we start hearing stories of Earl Woods, playboy?

Hopefully, Earl’s playing a friendly game of poker with James Jordan and can’t see this. If he does, Nike better start expecting some Jacob Marley, middle-of-the-night visits from big Earl.

(photo credit: capt madd matt via Flickr)

YES! CBS! The same company that went into a hizzy fit about this nipple slip during the 2004 Super Bowl…

Remember “the” nipple slip. From the “Wardrobe Malfunction” – those types of mishaps that occur when you reach around, grab, pull, and remove a piece of garment that exposes a breast. It was this type of television that was allegedly offensive to American audiences and resulted in huge fines levied, apologies aplenty confessed during national press conferences, and the revving of news cycles for months.

This same network which thought a moment’s exposure was unthinkable has now endorsed the desecration of one of America’s most sacred holiday symbols: Frosty the Snowman.

Unless y’all thought Frosty…

• has a porn collection
• a great bullwhip
• has a rash, WHERE????

Somewhere, Janet Jackson has to be thinking, “My breasts are more offensive than THAT?”

Someone give that lady her money back.

C-Ho Corporate Mesothelioma Rating: 7 out of 10

What does C-Ho think? We…LOVE IT! Finally, the Big 3 (or 4) have finally paid the piper.

How does CBS explain it away?
“The target audience for these TV shows is different than for the Super Bowl.”
Yeah, I’d bite on that but for 3 things:

1. Kids probably are up when the ads air.
2. Kids probably will roll back the TiVo when they see their favorite snowman, while having no clue what they’re in for.
3. Oh, look what’s making page 1 for both a Google & YouTube searches for “Frosty”

It’s amazing how this Search Engine search sh*t works. Like it was planned!

And Once Pandora’s Box Is Open…

Once prime time TV slips into risque viral ads, Pandora’s box is open. What’s good for the goose will be f*ckin’ b*lls-*ss sweet for the gander. CBS has now lost all leverage to say what can and can’t be used on TV, up to Dirty Frosty.

You know the one really getting screwed out of this is Wendys. Whose ever gonna be able to order their ice cream treats the same way again?

New times, new presidents, new levels of decency. What’s next?

(photo credit: from Poppy Lov via Flickr)

Over the last couple weeks, Corporate Whoredom has gone into great detail to discuss how the Boondock Saints franchise didn’t focus on art so much as it focused on community.

Troy Duffy wasn’t trying to accomplish critical acclaim with his movies. No teary-eyed award receptions and trophy-clinching thank-you speeches. No “good job” thumbs-up from Jack Nicholson.

Like Billy Shakespeare, Troy was probably motivated by money because paying rent is such a selfish motivator. But Troy got to put what he love together into a vision. He forgo a template that would have allowed him to walk the primrose path of domesticated, “visionary”, filmmaking and instead went ahead and put moments on film that he felt would have made him jump out of his seat, time and time again, screaming, “F*ck Yeah.”

As Troy Duffy said in an interview on cinematical.com:

“the fans found this thing and made it. It was beyond criticism at the time because there was no big f*cking red carpet and advertising campaign…They made it their own thing, and they didn’t really give a sh*t what critics said. And they started protecting the film on the Internet.”

And because of that, people who shared his interests found this movie as well. Lucky for him, there’s a target market in family, larger than life characters, violence, and fraternity.

You can make a movie to achieve artistic feets. You can make a movie to tell people a story. Or in Troy Duffy’s case, you can make a film to relate to people. If you can create characters people wish they could be, even just for a moment, then you have something.

All that matters is that in the end, Troy knew that his fans get the feeling to be Saints, to be motivated to clean up the evil around them, and could put themselves in the Saints shoes. In the end, Troy knew the answer to the following question:

Civility aside, have you ever wanted to be a Boondock Saint – even for a moment?

F*ckin’-a right you did.

(photo credit: 1) Eli Rutten via Flickr 2) Shasta Fox via Flickr)

C-Ho Corporate Mesothelioma Rating: 0 out of Ten

Because what Troy Duffy did was technically whoredom, and because he was shamlessly aware of it, Corporate Whoredom levies no punishment as it stands alongside the millions of fans who have embraced the MacMannus brothers…

And shepherds we shall be,
For Thee, my Lord, for Thee.

What the f*ck are they talking about?

(Shakespeare? No. But even Bill could have told you their value)

This isn’t the case where people think a guitar is “flat” when it’s actually sharp (strings tighten from lack of play before they stretch, making the notes come out sharp). Y’all are professionals. You’re supposed to mean what you say.

Now, granted, Normam Reedus and Sean Patrick Flannery aren’t going to use these movies as references to get them into a Shakespearean Company, but I have to ask the critics:

“Who the Hell did you think Connor and Murphy MacMannus were?”

I’ll admit that in both movies, Duffy flashed brilliance in characters that were never fully developed. I wish the Saints’ ability to speak many languages would have been utilized more. Having the brothers speak in different languages around Rocco when they knew Rocco wanted to hear them would have been a great running gag. Or when they were tied up by Yakavetta’s crew, that would have been a great curve ball to throw their captors.

Also, in the second movie, they first saw Romeo as he was fighting a big guy while having both hands tied behind his back; then he never fought anyone the rest of the movie. The scene helped juxtapose his soft side more, but sh*t, not everyone has to be shot first. Kick their asses.

But I can’t blame the actors for it. It’s not like Reedus was going to break into Italian in the middle of the scene – unless he knew Italian that well.

Critiques aside, Reedus, Flannery, Connelly and company nailed what was important – their sense of honor and Fraternity. You wanted to hang out with these guys. You wanted to drink with them. They were one of the guys.

And that’s how you get a cult following of millions of fans.

Are you taking notes, Movie Critics?

C-Ho Corporate Mesothelioma Rating:  4 out of 10.

I’m sorry, but like the Eunice Bloom critique, if you critical critics can’t figure out why millions of fans loved these characters, you deserve your fate as movie critics and not script writers.

“Stiff” and “over” acting. I think some y’all were watching porn when you should have been paying closer attention to this classic.

(Photo Credit: 1 – Boondocksaintsii via Flickr 2 – A…P via Flickr)

PS – I do have to give critics some credit. Those of you who got over the fact that Billy Connelly was a comedian did give him his due props for his performance – and his hair.

(I’ll confess, this is the side of Julie Benz I wish I saw more)

To be honest, I have to report with sadness that Julie Benz doesn’t come anywhere near this close to being this naked in Boondock Saints II. In fact, though there are cleavage and leg shots, she stays pretty well dressed.

And while we’re at it, if Troy Duffy is guilty of anything, it’s of making Eunice Bloom too much like Kyra Sedgwick’s Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson on The Closer. Not only that, but the part of the character who gets to act out her agressive fanasies on film.

Including the profanity.

Though a powerful, intuitive, over-the-top character, it’s hard to see the southern belle Eunice Bloom as the replacement to Special Agent Smecker – the role made famous by Willem Dafoe. It literally takes the full movie for fans to full accept her. But it’s worth the weight.

And, she can kick your ass.

C-Ho Corporate Mesothelioma Rating:  2 out of 10

Movie critics get a 2 out of 10 for this charge because either they didn’t watch the movie or didn’t watch the whole movie. I can’t believe I even had to argue it.

The things people get paid to do.

(Photo Credits:  1) filmschoolrejects.com 2) AceShowBiz.com)

- Murphy MacMannus introducing Romeo. Boondock Saints II (Quote transcribed by IMDB.com)

Movie critics had a field day every time the Boondock Saints II script called for an ethnic slur.

I’m not one to necessarily condone ethnic, racial, handicap slurs and the like. Every time Max Power says, “Fuckin’ Ret*ard,” – like Murphy MacMannus did in BDSII -  I cringe.

But once again, it depends on your culture.

What the critics failed to point out was that every ethnicity represented in the movie was insulted equally. To the point of equality. There wasn’t whites, blacks, and browns and the like. Characters in the movie didn’t see each other based on the color of their skin so much as they saw each other based on their home.

Take the phrase, “This is our Mexican,” that was used by Murphy to describe Romeo to McGinty (McGinty? That’s the guy who owned the house on Fraggle Rock). Vulgar and vile it was, but it got laughs.

How?

Well, follow me down…

Now when the Saints went to Romeo’s uncle’s place and Romeo’s uncle started talking down about Romeo, the Saints backed Romeo up.

“He’s with us.”

And this phrase got cheers.

Confused?

As the old phrase goes:

“Nobody picks on my brother but me.”

Sometimes, friends make fun of each others backgrounds not because of the color of each others skins but simply to get under each others skin and make them tougher. They can do that because they trust each other. They’ve built up a relationship. They’ve built up community. – That sounds very 2.0-ish

And when someone from the outside tests them, friends pull together.

They’re with you.

Another lesson in separating the “sh*t” from the sh*t, courtesy of C-Ho

C-Ho Corporate Mesothelioma Rating:  3 out of 10

A C-Ho rating of 3 out of 10 goes to the veneered-eared stupid f*ckin’ retard movie critics who don’t know the difference between an ethnic slur and a verbal slug in the arm.

(Photo Credit:  Usaniac via Flickkr)

As Discussed in Part 1, lofty movie critics levied serious charges against Boondock Saints franchise creator Troy Duffy. The first of said charges is that Troy Duffy isn’t anything more than a Quentin Tarantino knockoff.

Well, let’s just look at that a little deeper why don’t we.

Aside from Dick Dale guitar solos, Quentin Tarantino is about as original as, well, a blockbuster Hollywood action movie. In fact, the music is Dick’s. QT gets “inspired” by other genres like kung fu and B movies – and in the case of Ingloroius Bastards – he likes to “Tarantino-up” Italian B Films of the same name. Critics must not read their own shit, or their short-term memories last all the way to the next film’s credits.

Not that there’s anything wrong with being “inspired.” Is Tarantino the only one allowed to be “inspired?” And I’m sure the fact that every every element JK Rowling’s little wizard’s book has been “inspired’ by damn near every fantasy, legend, tale, and sci-fi trilogy in existence is different because she repacked it and got kids to read…bullshit. And everybody ate up the Jesus/Obi-Wan Kenobi ending to that series. What did the critics do? Applied chapstick to the ass-dried lips. If Troy Duffy tries it, it’s sacrelig because he doesn’t have the reputation. Unbiased views? My ass.

But that’s not C-Ho’s point.

How Duffy’s Boondock Saint’s II Differs from Anything Tarantino’s Done

Name the deeper motives in Tarantino’s movies. C’mon. I’m waiting…
Let’s analyze the deeper questions of Ingloroius Bastards.

In Tarantino’s defense, Inglorious Bastards explores one of the deeper fundamental questions in history:

“Can one rewrite one of the most significant events in natural history just to have a fire ending?” In this case, Tarantino claims Hitler actually died in an explosion fire in a movie house in France.

The other significant question explored in Bastards was a question that’s more in Tarantino’s wheelhouse

“Should I kill Nazis by shooting them, bludgeoning them with a baseball bat, or scalping them.” (How the hell does Brad Pitt get into more than one movie where scalping takes place?)

Suprisingly, Duffy’s Boondock saints tackle age-old questions that civilizations have debated and warred over since Cain killed Abel”

“When is it okay to kill a man?”

“Whom do you follow when the Laws of Man and the Laws of God conflict?”

In this case of the MacManus brothers they started after they received the same vision in their dreams after they were able to miraculously escape Russian mobsters who rushed them in their sleep. The Saints’ efforts stir up controversy in Boston, as would an event of this magnitude.

“Was what they were doing right?”

And it’s moviegoers response to this higher calling against evil that has helped vault the Boondock Saints franchise to the level of Bruce Campbell and Robert Rodriquez. Fans devotion to not only the movie but to the divine calling of the brothers MacManus ideal has been overwhelming. Merchandise sales, artwork, tattoos – oh the tattoos…and the thousands of pictures on sites like Flickr where fans recreate the Saints’ look.

(Photo Credit: SeeTheSky on Flickr)

A little religion, a little violence, and a lot of time spent in public identifying with fans goes a long, long way.

Now that’s 2.0.

Come back tomorrow when we address the second charge against Troy Duffy:  Horrific F*ckin’ Language

Whatcha’all think?

Ten Years Later, Boondock Saints II:  All Saints Day is released on Halloween Weekend 2009.

Movie Critics sharpened up their quills for their over-the-top reviews:

LA Times:  

“Time may have healed some of (writer/director) Duffy’s wounds, but it hasn’t made him a better Tarantino knockoff, unfortunately.”

Boston Globe:

“The result isn’t art but it is an improvement: a scurrilous, lowdown, sub-Tarantino action comedy that, unlike the original, doesn’t make you want to claw your eyes out. How’s that for praise?”

Chicago Tribune:

“Duffy’s film made me sad for the Irish in general and Irish-American vigilantes in particular.”

The most generous critique was from The Star:

“In every respect, this movie deserves to be beaten senseless with a soggy shillelagh. Yet how do I explain the fact that I sat through it with a silly grin on my face, and the so-bad-it’s-good 2 1/2 star rating I have generously assigned it?”

The critic from The Star must not have a blog.

Huh?

Let me explain…

Movie critics still write in the classic Platonic sensemy suspicion that movie critics 9-to-5 their day job with unquestioning, soldier-like, empirical duty in hopes that their employers never suspect that they moonlight as bloggers as if there’s a perfect movie out there with which to aspire. That approach hasn’t appealed to the majority of movie goers for 20 years – if ever. Yet the critics still use the approach. Their steadfast loyalty to this ancient style only reaffirms . Nothing else explains their painful grasp to this archaic methodology in papers

Proof The Boondock Saints II Rocked

Just do a Twitter search. It took me 3 days of monitoring twitter for the term “boondock saints ii” to find someone who has something bad to say about the film.

To paraphrase my favorite tweet:

“Boondocks saints wasn’t good but it was awesome.”

C-Ho Mesothelioma Rating: 1 out of 10

I’d give it a much higher rating, but I now consider print movie critics as double agents for movie fans to keep the corporate media from squeezing every last drop out of character-driven, fan community-based films.

Boondock Saints II Gets Wider Release

And just to show if you write for the fans, the fans get your back. Thanks to a rabid online movement by hardcore fans, The limited theatrical release is now becoming a national release! The release was originally expanded on the weekend of the 13th and will be expounded over the next couple weekend.

Here is the message from Boondock Saints II writer/director Troy Duffy.

Somewhere a movie critic was just shot twice in the back of the head, laid on the ground with their hands folded over, and had placed two fresh copper pennies of their eyes. Because they were bad men.

In Nomeni Patri, Et Fili, Spiritus Sancti

john "snorky" mayer's legal mugshot - original photo published at http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/

FoxNews.com reports that criminal hardass John “Snorky “ Mayer had a “bet” going with TMZ.com site editor Harvey Levin over whether or not TMZ could track down Mayer’s scandelous mugshot from his troubled, checkered past.

The bet: $25,000
Snorky’s criminal background: Driving on a Suspended Licensed (2001)

And all the 16-year-old-girls in Ohio who had full length John Mayer posters adorning the pink wall of their bedroom as 12-year-olds are falling head-over-heels all over again for their “misunderstood bad boy.”

C-Ho Mesothelioma Rating:  2 out of 10.

Betting TMZ to find an incriminating police photo of an A-list celebrity is like betting a squirrel to find a nut. In TMZ’s case, it’s like asking a Squirrel to find a nut in its own nest.

You only make a bet of this nature with TMZ if you want this information to come out. Mayer moreorless paid $25K to get into the news cycle and look more like a bad boy.

The only real shocking part of this story is that TMZ.com didn’t have the photo themselves. They actually found it at The Daily Photograph.

Mayer only gets a C-HO rating of 2 because the money goes to the charity of Levin’s choice so it’s PR money well spent.

And, though we at Corporate Whoredom aren’t in Johny Mayer’s target market of 15-year-old girls, we do give him props for allowing his recorded concerts to be downloaded for free at Archive.org.

And we can’t get too harsh on any musician who lets their fans tape and trade shows for free.

(The Chappaquiddick Island incident in Ted’s words. Listen to him namedrop John Quincy Adams)

So I was checking the online papers to see how many were writing about the life of Ted Kennedy while accidently forgetting to mention the word Chappaquiddick.

Anyway, I could go to the Chicago Tribune and read their thoughts in their entirety. I can check out the LA Times online and get their thoughts.

But if I want to read what the Arkansas Democrat Gazette has to say, I have to login to read the full article. The syndicated AP article.

In order to login, I have to pay for an online subscription. How much? $5.95 a month.

According to my Economics professor, to pay $5.95 a month for something that I can get at thousands of other sites for free would imply that the quality of the articles is significantly more valuable than at any of these other places.

C-HO Mesothelioma Rating: 2 out of 10. Not only has the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette mismeasured the market, the price is oppressive to their economically depressed local market. Not only that, but their SEO is a nightmare. For starters: GET A URL FOR YOUR SITE AND QUIT RUNNING SUBSCRIPTIONS THAT HINDER SEARCH ENGINE BOTS FROM SEEING THOSE PAGES!

What is internet browsing like in Arkansas? Are you like China? Do you only get Arkansasonline.com and npr.com?

Catch up to the tactics the newspaper industry figured out five years too late five years ago and not only sell ad space, but continue to look for engaging content and build social commuities.

Internet carpetbagging went out in 1999.