I’ve recently become aware of a product that redefines awful. This product is a spin-off from a recognized and beloved brand. This new product spits in the face of the brand from which it was spawned. And then it violently sodomizes that brand.
I’m talking, of course, about Chocolate Skittles.
a rather unassuming package...until you realize it contains pure, unfiltered evil.
First, it’s important to recognize the problem with the concept of Chocolate Skittles. Skittles exist in the candy universe primarily to be an alternative to chocolate. They are the fruity, chewy yin to the crispy chocolate yang of M&M’s. For over 30 years, they have embraced and thrived in that role, helping to maintain the delicate balance of CandyLand. The idea that Skittles can, or should, successfully cross over into the realm of chocolate runs contrary to everything Skittles stand for. Chocolate Skittles are essentially Hybrid Hummer’s or Gin-less Tonic, i.e. things that can not occur naturally in the world and could only have come into existence through the actions of a demented and sadistic individual, or candy conglomerate.
Eventually, I was able to accept and overcome the gross hypocrisy that allows Chocolate Skittles to exist at all. However, it is at that point that I was forced to take on the second, more sinister, force that works against the mainstream success of Chocolate Skittles: the taste.
They offer the sensation of eating tiny, vile, candy-coated bits of pure evil.
Chocolate Skittles are the edible (allegedly) incarnation of hatred, pedophilia and pestilence.
Perhaps that description is too abstract.
Instead, I’ll describe the production process:
Chocolate Skittles begin as a long, thin Tootsie Roll, which is sliced into many pea-size pieces. Then those pieces of Tootsie Roll travel down an assembly line. The first stop is the Monkey Room, where a team of Ebola-infected monkeys with open wounds drips deadly filovirus-infused rain onto the candy bits. Next, it’s on to the Orphanorium, where the viral candy is stewed for six hours in the fresh tears of orphans who have just returned from “confession” with their local Vatican-approved benefactors. After a ten minute pause in the cooling rack, it’s on to the final stage of production: the Mesothelioma Chamber. This is where the candy pieces are covered in their colorful asbestos shells and stamped with the “S,” for Shit, by which they are best known. After rolling through another cooling stage, the candies are finally ready to be packaged and shipped, and ultimately consumed by unsuspecting children around the world.
It has been rumored that Chocolate Skittles are actually a bio-terror attack on the American people by Hank Steinbrenner as revenge for forcing his pitchers to bat and run the bases in interleague games, but those rumors have not yet been confirmed.
No matter who the evil mastermind behind these tiny bits of candied hell may be, it is highly recommended that Chocolate Skittles be avoided at all costs.
C-HO Mesothelioma Rating: 5.5 out of 10.
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swaim is a better writer
that’s it – time for a writeoff